My kids have driven me insane today, from the minute their little eyes opened up. I don’t really think THEY are the ones to blame, as much as I am. Evidently, I am in a foul mood, since other drivers, store employees, and the weather all pissed me off as well. I actually had to leave the room and punch the wall today, which really made me feel better! I’m going to have Jim install a punching bag in my laundry room tomorrow….PMS? possibly…I hate it when my perfectly planned out day doesn’t go as well as I’d hoped. I was excited about taking the kids shopping and out to lunch. Shopping wasn’t so bad, although we didn’t find the things I was hoping to….and when we stopped to eat lunch, Katie was asleep. So we just ate McDonalds in the car while parked at the park. Gracie got to eat her lunch in the front seat with Mom, so she was happy. As soon as we parked, Katie woke up (of course) and she ate her lunch alone in the backseat. It was just much too windy today to eat on the picnic tables, unfortunately. Then we decided to go to the pet store to see the lizards. Maybe I haven’t mentioned it, but last week, Gracie’s teacher told the class that lizards made BAD pets, and that they bite and were just icky altogether. So now I’m having to show her that her teacher was WRONG. Too bad she’s already having to lose faith in her teacher at 4 years old! So we went on our “heal the world, fight racism, start with the lizards” mission today, and then wandered next door into Barnes & Noble, which is like a candy and toy store combined to me! If I ever win the lottery, I’m headed there first. I bought myself my first journal. I saw lots of beautiful leather journals for $50. Which is insane. And then I found myself a good old black one that will not only fit in my purse but it was $7.95. So my first entry doesn’t have to be ‘wish i didn’t have to eat ramen noodles 3 meals a day”. lol -
odd man out
my husband and i belong to a home fellowship group through our church – its a group of 6 couples who meet for bible study and fun and eating and all that once a week. we have been going for two months now, and we just don’t fit in at all with our group – they all know each other, and they talk about stuff we have no idea about, and we rarely are included in the conversations, so we sit there, in the corner, waiting for someone to ask us to dance, basically. i recently made a new friend who is beginning a new group, and has asked us to join.
my problem is this: should i jump over to this ‘comfortable’ group, knowing i’ll always have someone to talk to, or do i stay in this extremely ‘uncomfortable’ group, because, maybe, that’s where God wants me? I’ve prayed and prayed and have no idea what to do.
its amazing to me that, at nearly 40 years old, i am still having problems “fitting in”. the only difference now is that i don’t CARE if i fit in or not – there are plenty of people out there that like me. its just that i am forced to see these people for three hours every thursday night, and i always feel terrible when we leave.
should i stay or should i go now…..
Liberty
today my daughter said “what is liberty?” – oh that’s an easy one. might as well said “how are babies made, mommy?” – i actually probably could have winged that one. I told her that “liberty” meant that we could work anywhere we wanted, go to any store we wanted, anytime we wanted to, and that we could go to any church any time we wanted to. I think that made her four-year-old little brain understand, but I could see her wheels were still spinning. I then explained to her that there any many people in other countries that CAN’T do all those things. Which made her upset. And then I thought “Thank you GOD that she is upset, we should ALL be upset”. I’m glad to see she is developing a tender heart of caring…
I have all these ideas in my head, about doing things to help others both locally and abroad, but it is so overwhelming, all the need. It also amazes me how FEW people volunteer for things. I see that both with my husband’s job (firefighter) and with our church. They have to work so hard to have enough volunteers to watch the kids, decorate for christmas, mow the grounds, etc. It’s upsetting, really – in my opinion you should either give money or time. Both are ideal, but if you don’t have enough of one, you should have plenty of the other, right? I need something local to do – anyone have any suggestions?
ps – had no idea that this didn’t post on the day i wrote it – 2/18-07
Organization
I am an organizational FREAK – i’m one of those “all the cans must be turned forward” people. I could go on and on. I am so addicted to “Clean House” and “Clean Sweep” and “Mission Organization”. I totally want to work on those shows, it would be my dream job: going in to people’s houses and taking away all the clutter. Really, a lot of stuff gets talked about while cleaning on these shows – some people are holding on to gifts from dead relatives, ex-boyfriends, their glory days, and the designers are like part-time therapists, helping them understand that they are not bringing their grandmother back from the dead by keeping her hideous couch in the bedroom…..
My own house, ironically enough, is a partially cluttered mess. I have piles of projects in every room – photos to be organized into an album, new pans on top of the fridge that won’t fit in the cupboards, my kids’ outgrown clothing, etc. I just feel so overwhelmed by it all that I can’t finish anything.
But today, I came up with a BRILLIANT plan. (in my own mind, as usual) What if I took the concept of the above referenced shows and applied it to my own house, with helpers? Surely, I have some friends that have the same problems! Why couldn’t we, every Saturday, go to each other’s homes and empty a room completely, deep clean it, and then help her go through everything and find things to sell or donate or fix, etc. ? Eventually, all of our homes would be much more organized and we all wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed.
I guess I could do it myself, but who better to help you get rid of something you don’t need then your friends? Husbands are no help, or you’d have gotten rid of it already -
Just a thought – I need to find others that feel this way…. I would love to have an organizing business, but I need to get my own home organized first.. how fun that would be to help people feel more comfortable and relaxed in their own homes!
That’s it – I’m on a mission now…..
Waiting
I have become so impatient lately! Don’t you just hate it when you email someone, and you just can’t wait to hear back, and you keep checking your email a gazillion times, and then you’re hurt, because they evidently assign little value to talking with you, while you are desperate to hear from them? Imagine what it must have been like “before”? I would have to wait for the MAILMAN to come! I would have died of mental trauma, right there on the front porch…..
While I’m wondering these things, I have another problem…..(suprise) – WHY, when you buy a cell phone, for 79.99, and then you get a 79.99 rebate back, – why on earth don’t they just give it to you for free to begin with? Because, they have to pay to have a “rebate center” to process all the stupid paperwork you have to send in that has to be PERFECT, and then they have to employ someone intelligent (?) enough to make sure that its all PERFECT, then it takes 8 weeks to get YOUR OWN MONEY BACK which tells me that there are a LOT of rebates to process – wouldn’t the company just save money if, as i stated before but i’ll repeat just in case you missed it, that it would be CHEAPER to just give you the phone for free at the get-go? They couldn’t possibly make THAT much money off the idiots (and I know one personally) who FORGET to send the rebate off until its too late! Could they? I don’t think so.
Why does it seem like I have so much useless nonsense to get off my chest? I don’t even care if anyone is reading this crap, I’m having such a freeing experience just getting it off my brain and moving on, turning the page – in fact, I am beginning to feel a little sorry for some of you having to read it! My most sincere and heartfelt apologies to you all…..
And now I must go and check my email…..
Reconnecting
I”M BACK! After what seems like weeks of illness I can finally breathe and sleep and all that stuff that YOU people take for granted – lol – Now if spring would just hurry up and come, that groundhog had better be right! This has been a year of reconnecting with old friends, and letting some old friends go. It’s funny how that seems to happen at the same time. I was reading the daily blog of an ex-boyfriend who won’t speak to me, (found while googling him), when suddenly, it occurred to me how unhealthy it is for me to look at this blog every day, cussing his stupidity under my breath (and sometimes over). It began by deleting the blog from my ‘favorites’. Then, I went into my address book and starting “hacking” away at the delete key. delete delete delete. such a freeing and liberating little thing. my favorite thing is the “are you sure?” dummy box that comes up. Oh the things I’ve said to those boxes would scare my mother to near death. Where were you, ‘are you sure?’ box, when I met the loser to begin with??? They should ask you that when you ADD them as well – just a thought
Last summer, I was able to go to California and attend my 20 year high school reunion. I had such a ball! What’s so great is that, even though I haven’t talked to some of them in 18 years or so, we just all connected again and had a blast, I didn’t even want to come home, and hopefully, I have talked several of them into visiting me back here. The coolest part was reconnecting with my friend Donna – we stopped talking to each other when we were Juniors, after being good friends since 7th grade, over a stupid guy! I am so happy that we have our friendship back, and now we talk almost every day! So glad to have Ronda, Kathi, Connie, Lisa, and Lonnie back in my life as well….we’ve gone from being the “cool chicks” at school, to being the cool mommies! Georgie, Ronda, Lisa, Lonnie and I all have kids aged 5 and under…..older moms rock!
It’s so weird how friendships seem to ebb and flow. I have a friend that I was so close to as a teenager, that I have so little in common with now. People change, I guess that’s the answer. I now have a hard time making friends, they think i’m neurotic.
imagine that
Boys vs. Girls
Okay, I have just read the CNN webpage on the “news headlines” . Which I told myself not to do, but I did it anyways. And I read the story about the guy that kidnapped the boys – surely you all know the story, look up “missouri boys kidnapped” and read it. This guy had this boy 4 days, and sodomized him 17 times. First, please, please, pray for this boy (Ben Ownby). Secondly, and this is what really gets me, I read that ONE count of forcible sodomy on a child equals a possible life sentence. ONE COUNT. However, one count of vaginal rape of a FEMALE child is 5-10 years. Granted, I realize the horror that sodomy must be to a boy OR girl, but surely the horror and pain is equal to the vaginal rape of a 5 year old girl???? When did our little boys become more valuable than our little girls? I am so outraged and disgusted! And now this is not helping the insomnia one bit….
Still sick
I am so tired of being sick. Luckily the weather has been awful as well, but I feel like I’ve been snowed in and unable to leave my house. I am craving warmth and sunshine! I want to go somewhere, even just for a drive. But I’m one of those paranoid West Coast people who think maybe there might be a little teenie patch of ice somewhere and I might crash. Ha Ha! (yeah, i read the instuctions, pump the brakes, go slow, blah blah) I was invited to watch the Super Bowl at the neighbors house, but I didn’t go – didn’t want to infect the whole crowd with whatever it is I’ve got – strep throat, flu, who knows. It’s amazing how I spend half my time complaining that I have no one to hang out with, and the other half cancelling out on things I’m invited to – connection? maybe…..
I’m up late again, as usual – my nose is stuffy and I feel like I can’t breathe when I lay down. I suffer horribly from clausterphobia, and that’s just part of it, the fear of not breathing. (which really, is a pretty good one, i think). Which leads me to my 2nd worst fear, my fear of water – Which is why I don’t swim, why I will NEVER watch Titanic, why I’ve never been baptized. Why on EARTH couldn’t I just belong to one of those “sprinkling” churches? geez….my pastor and I have had this conversation, he wants to baptize me all alone -knowing I’ll freak out – then he “comforts” me with the “had to kick a guy in the knees once” story- thanks, jay. So, all alone, with no church body to watch – but I thought you are supposed to do that publicly. Isn’t baptism your “HEY EVERYBODY! I’M A CHRISTIAN!”?. Like your Christian Debutante Ball – Coming Out Party, or whatever. Even though I’ve been a Christian for 38ish years? I’m struggling with this whole issue. I’ll add it to the hefty list.
Okay, well , until my next issue…….
How many of these do I get in a 24-hour period?
I suffer miserably from insomnia – I don’t know if it is because I worry about things, and begin to think about all those things when i lie down, and its quiet, and then I can’t sleep, or if I can’t sleep because my husband suffers from sleep apnea and SNORES horribly, or if I am a night owl and I just can’t fight it? Who knows- all I know is, if you drive by my house at 3am, chances are, i’m up….
Which then means I only get about four hours of sleep at night, which isn’t good for me. My new year’s resolution this year was to get HEALTHY – not skinny, not thinner, but healthy. I have started taking multivitamins, started eating breakfast, no more snacks after dinner, etc. As soon as the weather improves a little, I am going to start walking every evening that my husband is home. I can’t wait for my glorious hour of aloneness. He is a firefighter, and is gone every 3rd night, and my kids (bless their hearts) want to stop and pick every flower, and pet every kitty, and look closely at every caterpillar, etc. I love those walks with them, but it doesn’t do much for an elevated heart rate, unless of course Katie runs into the street. I don’t think that counts.
I took my daughter Gracie, who’s 4, to get the 2nd haircut of her lifetime today. It is very long, and she suddenly wanted it VERY short, because she has a friend from sunday school who got her hair cut short and she wanted it just like hers. She’s asked me to put pigtails in her hair just like her friend Mia’s, she’s asked for brown hair just like her cousin Sammy’s, etc. I am trying so hard to make sure she isn’t copying her friends, and that she knows the difference between “liking” their hair and “wanting” their hair. You don’t just run out and buy the car your friend has, just because you like hers , blah blah blah…My sister-in-law just bought a replica of our house in Carthage “because she liked it SO much” – still don’t know how i feel about that, but anyways….I didn’t let her get her hair short, i had her cut 6 inches off, so its just past her shoulders, and she is very happy. It was really hard to tell her no, but I did tell her that, when spring gets here, she can have it shorter if she still wants to. I’ve always thought it was terrible when parents won’t let their kids get their hair cut a certain way. I used to work in a hair salon as a receptionist, and I can’t tell you how many women I heard say “oh my husband won’t let me cut my hair short, he says it has to stay three inches past my shoulders” and I would just sit there with my mouth gaping open thinking “I am never going to get married”. haha – i could just see some man, getting his hair cut, saying “oh my wife says i can’t let it get 3/4 inch past my collar, you better cut that” – give me a break already….i could shave my head, die my scalp purple, and my husband would probably look at me, swallow, and say, with a shakey voice, “as long as you like it honey”.
(side note to husband – thanks baby, but you still can’t have a motorcycle).
oh the pressure
oh the pressure to be entertaining and witty is getting to me already….so unlike writing in my journal where i write for my eyes only. i must balance my intelligent opinions and ideas with my neurotic, anxiety-driven angst…i used to be one of those “i’m right and you are wrong” people, with no desire to hear the points of the other side; however, in my maturing growth, (uh, what i meant was old age), i have begun to change my opinions on issues and beliefs i’ve held since …forever. Like the death penalty, prison, Christianity, everything, really. Remember when you first moved out, away from your parents? I can remember grocery shopping, and buying the same brands and foods that my mom bought. And then, suddenly, about a year later, I realized “I don’t like Tide – why the HELL do i keep buying Tide? I have 50 choices other than Tide! ” I know that seems crazy, but I think opinions can sometimes be the same way.. how many people vote the way their parents always did? or buy Fords because that’s what their parents did? My parents (father especially) were VERY overbearing, and I think the fear of going against their wishes stayed with me WELL into my 30’s -
but now i’m done with that. FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!
you know, the death penalty isn’t always the best thing. maybe that person was innocent? maybe that person could use just a little more time to ask for forgiveness, and know Jesus, and be saved, and do something GOOD in prison, with the rest of their life? don’t get me wrong, i’m all for life with no parole, but sometimes, people just do the wrong thing, because of drugs, bad influences, bad relationships, heated emotions, desperation, etc. Those Amish families, who lost their daughters, BEGGED the judge to save the killers life, saying that they forgave him. Could I do that? I pray, dear God, give me a heart that could do that.
just the beginning of my life-changing transformation of my belief systems…..
