Death, trauma, and sadness

Our household has been filled with sadness the past few days.  My husband is a firefighter in Bentonville, and on Tuesday morning at 2am, in his words he “pulled 5 dead babies out of a burning house”.  Never have I seen my husband wracked with sobbing tears of pain.  It has been so hard to be unable to comfort him.  Of course I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like to experience that.  It’s made me cry just to hear the story, I can’t even imagine what it must have been like to see the bodies of the girls.  My dear sweet husband was put on the triage team, which means that, after the bodies were brought out and laid on the ground, he had to make sure they were dead.  I’m sure he was praying with all his heart that a faint heartbeat would be heard, a breath would be taken….it was only after watching the 10:00 news (which I tried to discourage him from watching) that he learned that they were all girls, 5 close-knit sisters that did everything together, including dying.   This hit him even harder, as we have 4 daughters ourselves.  I cannot imagine what it must be like to lose all of your children at once.  I don’t think I could survive it…

I’ve assured him that these girls are frolicking merrily without a care in heaven, enjoying the sunshine, swimming with dolphins, eating all the chocolate they want, and never having to brush their teeth again (this is gracie’s version of heaven).  I know that they have no knowledge of how they died, of their suffering, of their terrible lives up to that point, but none of this is any comfort to my husband now.  He only sees children that suffered and died senselessly. 

Please pray for Jim, as well as the other firefighters and police officers who are suffering still.  Put fresh batteries in your smoke detectors.  Do NOT use space heaters in your home. And hug your babies extra tight tonite. 

PAINTED FLOOR!

I had the most wonderful “homeowner” moment today -

 As many of you know (my peeps) – my front room is covered in lovely decades-old linoleum glue spots – it’s going to be ALL the rage soon, and you will ALL want it – I’m starting a trend….I hate carpet, and have been removing it little by little over the last 3 years – WELL, today I was just sitting on the floor, picking off chunks of lineoleum glue spots, (what, me? no social life?)  when I pulled back the edge of the carpet to my dining room, and found WHITE PAINTED HARD WOOD FLOOR!!!  I screamed with delight at my find!  No lineoleum! No glue!  I was so so happy!  Even though the rest of the family was getting ready to go out shopping and to dinner, I said “wait! let’s take a vote! shopping or we tear this carpet out right now!!”  all the girls voted “tear out the carpet!!” all the boys rolled their eyes…

my girls and i and the reluctant boy tore that ugly disgusting stained carpet out, and discovered a perfectly painted white floor underneath – the only nicks were made when we (and when i say “we” i mean Jim) tore out those horrific tack strips they NAILED to my beautiful hardwood floors.   i must admit i always cringe when i see them paint a hardwood floor on one of the MANY shows i watch on remodeling, but i think the realization that there was no lineoleum glued down made them much more appealing to me. in fact, i think i just might paint the girls’ bedroom floor too – i could actually attempt a pattern on it – something girly perhaps.  this is a big house, and maybe i need some painted floors to break up the monotony of EVERY floor being stained hardwood…besides, painted floors need to just be stripped and sanded and stained to bring them back to life. (that’s all, just stripped and sanded and stained – LOL)

Also, I found a little iron table and two chairs for $20 at a flea market – needs a little work, but will be pretty in a corner of my back yard when restored.  I’m so so excited!   I’m finally loving my house, it took long enough!

Today’s news

“The White House says President Bush will veto legislation on Saturday that would have barred the CIA from using waterboarding — a technique that simulates drowning — and other harsh interrogation methods on terror suspects. “

*sigh*

I’m so glad everyone voted for him because he was against abortion.  We’re in such a better place now.

That’s it!!!!

I just had a total “light bulb” moment.  Lucy just fell off her chair.   I want to completely redo the inside of my house.  I have been so caught up in waiting to do the big projects on this house that I am completely ignoring the little things.  I could paint rooms, sand floors, paint crazy things on walls, all the things I’ve been waiting to do – but what on earth am I waiting for???  We’ve lived in this house nearly four years, and I’ve really almost done nothing. I can make my kitchen look better a little at a time, without waiting for the “big” money to get here.  I could go to flea markets and garage sales and have so much fun!  Why did I not realize that is what it was?  Was it a God moment?  I don’t know?!  But I’ve got something new to be excited about!  Yay! 

Wherever you are…there you are – wait, that’s not right

I find myself firmy planted in NW Arkansas, Republicanland, the “Bible Belt”- chock full of hypocritters, trailer parks, and chicken houses.  I’ve lived in this area for 8 years in September, and I still don’t understand why I’m here.  I know how I got here (big yellow Ryder truck), but I don’t exactly know why I’ve stayed.  I unfortunately cannot say that I “love” it here.  When I moved here in 2000, my dear husband told me “you just try it for a while, just let it grow on you”.  When, one year later, I said “you know, I tried it, let’s go to California and you try it for a year”, I was promptly turned down.  I felt a little betrayed, actually, as I realized he had NO intention of ever moving from here.  So I’ve tried to make the best of it.  I’ve learned to call the hogs.  I’ve learned that you root for your high school football team for many many years after you’ve graduated and moved on.  I’ve learned that you sit at a stop sign until you are positively sure no one else would like to go first. 

So here I am.  Forever.  Wow.  My husband plans on working at his job until he turns 55 or dies.  Whichever comes first.  So here I am. (oh i said that already)  I guess I should make the best of it, right?  Nothing will come of me sitting and complaining about it.  Find the good things about it, make lemonade, yadda yadda.  Unless I win the Powerball, then I’m outta here – my husband can fly the private jet to one of my homes for a visit.

I enjoy taking hikes, looking at old buildings, wishing someone would come in and return them to their former glory.  I like to shop, I like museums and art, I love talking with girlfriends and laughing.   I can get all of that here.  (not enough of the latter, however).  Is it just the gypsy in me that is dying to pack up and go?  As I recently told a friend, this home is my 30th.  home. that i’ve lived in since birth.  yes, that was a 30.  I lived in 6 houses before I started kindergarten – what were my parents thinking?  don’t get me started…

I’m feeling restless, that’s what it is.  I need a new challenge.  I’m already completely overwhelmed, what with the job and husband and kids and church and house.   I can’t handle those tasks well, so I guess another challenge wouldn’t be a great idea.  The past 5 years have been ALL about the kids, I think I’m ready for some ME time.  my DREAM would be to go on vacation BY MYSELF.  I’m sure I would get in all kinds of trouble, but I don’t care.  I can’t even imagine not having to help anyone, compromise, discipline, it would be great! 

She’s back – look out

oh my goodness, it’s true!  I haven’t blogged since May 07????  That is just insane!  Surely no one will even know I’ve returned – so I can say whatever I want?????   I love that!  Many times I have refrained from writing some things I’ve really wanted to talk about for fear of alienating and/or completely freaking out my friends.  This is so liberating -  shall we talk about abortion, or misbehaved children,  the wet/dry issue, John McCain, illegal immigrants – the possibilities are endless!!!  I’m so excited…..

 Okay back to the real world people – haha – Sadly, I use this forum to vent, and I think the older I get, the more I want to complain – Donald Miller puts it best when he says that if we keep trying to make this place “God’s perfect world” we are going to be sorely dissapointed.  So maybe complaining and trying to change things isn’t worth it? 

But what the hell else are we supposed to do?  Just sit around and wait for death?  I don’t think so….so here we go- I’m turning 40 this year, and I’m years past winning the popularity competition, so read and laugh along with me, or don’t read.  It’s sort of a free country, unless you read the Patriot Act…(oh no, i feel it coming on again…)

Tears on my keyboard….

“Casey died for a country which cares more about who will be the next American Idol than how many people will be killed in the next few months while Democrats and Republicans play politics with human lives”

“Good-bye America … you are not the country that I love and I finally realized no matter how much I sacrifice, I can’t make you be that country unless you want it.”

But she said the most devastating conclusion she had reached “was that Casey did indeed die for nothing … killed by his own country which is beholden to and run by a war machine that even controls what we think”.

Written on Memorial Day by Cindy Sheehan

Myspace

Last year, I was talked into getting a myspace of my own. At 38, I felt a little silly, but you would be shocked at how many people that ‘aren’t teens’ are on there! I love it, its like your own personal little slice of your life. Mine goes back and forth to showing my rebel rocker side, to showing my flowery spiritual side. I can’t ever get just one theme going….I guess that’s because, that is who I am, a split between two people, a constant battle between good and evil – haha – okay well maybe not quite, but…..I do enjoy irritating people with my ever-changing theme songs, from the Doors, to Contemporary Christian artists, to Top 40, to Cartoon themes, to Heavy Metal. I have a blast…. one of the things that drives me crazy, yet intrigues me as well, are all the quizzes. Its like the “slambook” of my youth…How many of you remember the slambooks? They were these handmade books with lined school paper stapled together, with a different question on each page “first kiss, favorite movie, color, etc”. You put your name on the first page, and then you answered the questions, and passed it around, until you had this book with 10-20 friends’ favorite things and most intimate details in it. It was great, until we started getting old enough to blackmail friends with it. “Lonnie likes you, she wrote it in my slambook.” Oh, we women are so cunning at 13….My myspace buddies (usually either my 16 year old stepdaughter OR my 23 year old niece) send out these questionnaires, with everything you could possibly ever imagine on it to ask. They’re pretty fun sometimes, other times they are way too juvenile, but at least you find out a little something about your friends and family. Anyways – get yourself a myspace! Put cute little Hello Kitties on your theme! Choose “Ice, Ice Baby” as your music! Then add me, myspace.com/girliemama

Taking care of business

Today I was supposed to work, but instead, my husband came home at 7:45 this am having stayed up almost all night on ambulance calls and fire alarms, and he was queasy on top of everything else. So, as he sleeps, I am trying to handle the business of the day. We have four issues currently, that I’m trying to handle in ONE morning. 1. We have trees hanging on our power lines; 2. We have a neighbor that has an open sewer pit in their front yard; 3. We have our ‘old’ phone line cable draping unattractively across the middle of our backyard, and need it removed, or instruction on how to do it correctly; and 4. I need to decide on a preschool arrangement for Gracie for fall.

I really don’t want Gracie going to 5-day 8-3 preschool yet. However, if I want to qualify for ‘free’ preschool, rather than $80/week preschool, that’s all I have to choose from. I don’t particularly want to put her into Head Start – I have heard nothing but bad things about it…so, I’m still looking. I think I may go ahead and put her into the full time, I guess she’ll be almost 5 and needs to get used to it – I just have a problem with the attendance requirement, that she cannot miss more than 10 days or she’s out of the program. That means no pulling her out to visit the grandparents, go on vacation, etc.

Advice?

But there never seems to be enough time to do the things you wanna do once you find them…

I have so many friends reading this now that I can’t possibly complain about anyone anymore….good grief. I am so overwhelmed at the amount of stuff I feel like I need to accomplish around my house. I must be wasting my time somewhere. I think my house would stay so much less cluttered if I just had less stuff, so I am starting the decluttering of my house, which of course has created a huge mess in my dining room. (the piles of things I don’t need, or need to fix, or need to give away, etc.) I realized today that I must have 30 books I’ve bought cheaply or been given that I have never read. I always read the ones I paid for right away, oddly enough. I just finished Sidney Poitier’s “A Measure of A Man”. It was excellent! The true measure of a man, he says, is how he treats his children. (I wonder what the true measure of a woman is?) I was disturbed by his spiritual beliefs. He contradicts himself on his own belief system several times. For instance, he once nearly drowned, and when faced with what he thought was his final moment of life, he felt God kept him calm, almost like he was being ushered into heaven, and he felt tremendous peace and tranquility. And then in the next chapter, he questions the existence of God at all. I have had so many “God” moments I have no question of His existence! Its like the Israelites – they actually SEE the parting of the Red Sea and STILL have doubt – isn’t that amazing?? But back to my time problem, I don’t see how women can work 40 hours, keep their house together, have dinner made, and not go insane. I have been reading more and more about the benefits of sleep – normally, I just stay up until 2 and get up at 6 in order to get it all done. But lack of sleep can actually cause you to gain weight, as a lack of sleep, as well as a lack of water, can cause your metabolism to slow down considerably.

I feel like if I could just get my house organized ONE TIME, the whole thing, I could stay that way. Really. I think I could. I am staring at my 3/4 organized family room from this computer chair. Wonder why it’s till not done? Hmmm….need more thought….wonder who’s on myspace right now?